How far can we go with this?? Are we even Walking The Talk?

Today my professor called me ‘deaf’ assuming that I was ok w| it.. I told her no, I’m not deaf. I don’t recall myself that. I’m hard of hearing. (This issue isn’t brand new because I’ve had experiences like this many times in my life.)  I didn’t even get into it because it was in class and the topic was really about the legal rights/legislation etc.  All I did was to explain equal rights is one thing but another thing is discrimination as well. So this is when she says, absolutely, right.. and you’re deaf and you have a right to get an education. I get that she was trying to make a point, but already this just tells me that even professors in Universities, still don’t get it.

How could we have people around us teaching us about the values and about respecting the differences and breaking barriers, fighting against stereotypes and discrimination, and at the same time, they’re spitting the same very thing they were preaching about to students.  I didn’t have time to react. I figured that, this professor didn’t do anything wrong, I am sure didn’t even know. But I came out of the class and it just got me thinking. I feel that it’s important to learn education and get your graduation degree or doctorate etc.. but I think it is also important to take in what you’ve learned and walk with it. “Walk the talk”.  That’s the ONLY way to make changes. You gotta be the change by being aware and what you say around people you’re HELPING them be aware of these differences, instead of letting the decision go to the hands of people who do not have any knowledge about this.

I am starting to wonder if people are just seriously lacking knowledge around things like this.  It’s like the issue on disability people are expected a wheelchair or physically ‘disabled’.  It’s the same type of attitude with the idea of people wearing hearing aids are ‘expected’ to know sign language and that they are deaf.  Or even the fact that people who do wear hearing aids, are expected to be involved or connected in the deaf community. People are forgetting that we are all different and we all grow up in different cultures. I’m tired of repeating myself to strangers about this. I never was fluent in sign language. I was never brought up in a culturally deaf environment. I do wear hearing aids but that just a piece of what people see that is connected to the deaf culture.  Many hard of hearing people would tell you the same thing. They can tell you that they’re deaf because they identify themselves as that and that’s okay. There are many others who would identify themselves whoever they prefer it or whatever that comfort them. There will never be a time when people would just accept that you can’t go around assuming you know  a lot of things.

Like sexuality, race, religion and gender .. all boils down to identifying ourselves. We all have varies of identities and we all cannot fit under one microscope. We are expected to play the role that society expects us to be because it is what considered to be ‘right’ but yet we tend to forget that we are different from one another and nothing about us as human beings is monolithic.

So relating to what I was saying, people cannot go around assuming shit. If you really don’t know exactly what  you’re going after or what you’re asking, ask.  Asking is better than nothing. By asking you are giving the person respect and the opportunity to explain who they are and who THEY identify themselves as.

I’ve said what I have to say… peace..



The Power of Holding Back


The power of holding back feelings is just a common habit we all do in our lives.

Why do we tend to hold back feelings?  It’s just a bit sad that we cannot speak what’s in our hearts and say what our inner voice is saying. What are we afraid of? Are we afraid of rejections?  Are we afraid of the outcomes? I don’t know the answers myself because I do this myself too.

To speak up, to voice our opinions, our feelings just seem to be too much, too overwhelming.  Speaking up for your own rights, speaking for what’s right to support your peers, confessing the truth to somebody you deeply love or opening your heart to someone you deeply liked for a while, requires us to have a fear to wait for the outcomes, the fear of the negative outcomes, fear of pain and hurt and … the list goes on, you know?

Holding back is extremely hard because you start to get restless in constantly thinking about  the what if’s, the could haves. I think holding back makes people put in so much energy in thinking and asking yourselves this “If I had told the truth or spoken up, I wonder where would I be now? How would my friends or peers think of me?” Then on the other hand you would have to be prepared for outcomes that you must face, regardless (the bad and the good). You would have to be prepared by dealing with outcomes, by telling and critically thinking to yourself: “Ok. this happened, this is how I feel now, but what’s next.. where do I go from here?” I know this method isn’t easy because sometimes the outcomes can struck you hard and you need time to heal and then deal with it afterwards.

Holding back is simply you hiding your true self from the universe.  It’s just sad to see that so many of us have to hold back because of fears, to prevent problems, feeling disappointed, being a disappointment or many more.

Holding back only exists because it’s risky, people don’t want to make life difficult by screwing up something that could cost their career or professional business relationships, religion, or personal relationships (girlfriend, boyfriend, friendships, relationships within the family, etc) in general. or online/internet relationships (facebook, twitter, youtube… etc) or blogs sites.   They don’t want to have to deal with pain or any problems. Yes, I have to admit, that sometimes holding back is a smart thing to do but not all the time, you know what I saying?

If we all continue to avoid the truths or feelings or whatever it is that we need to put out there, I don’t think we can truly be happy and free, I guess. It’s risky because we just cannot admit that once we do cross that line of the truth, we will end up losing the people we love or admire or just costing your life.

At the same time, when you start to realize that life isn’t perfect and that God put you on this earth for a good reason, then you’d know that the people who stay with you and the new friends you gain are the ones you should be surrounded with and those people respect you. They are the ones who accept the truths and accept you for who you are.  I think that’s makes you free and makes you grow to be a person you set yourself to be.  Holding back isn’t always a healthy. At some point, you can’t hold it in and at some point, you will have to speak up and do it for your own good; You are your own person.

Holding back is so complex; sometimes it’s good to hold back, because life can surprise you when you wait and see what happens for you. Sometimes it’s not always good to say the things you want to say all the time and when you do say those things, you can’t expect people to go with what you say and agree with you all the time. That’s the truth, isn’t it?

The way I see it, life is about balance and choices. You have to balance your emotions, your decision-makings, you have to make choices to choose what you will do with your life at this particular time and control it.  Holding back is good for a minute, but when you hold back forever or for too long, then that’s just something you need to deal with. You can’t live on with your life, holding back.

In life you gotta find balance in knowing the time to confront things and the time to wait and a time to reflect, recollect your thoughts. You can’t go on in life pleasing others, or fearing what others say about you each time you want to state what’s on your mind or how you feel. Everybody is human you know. It’s human nature.

Just know this:

Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

When I’m really lost, or really hurt, need to peace in myself or whatever…  I read this passage to calm me down and let go and breathe. I look at my situation and just understand that God has a plan for me, I gotta heal myself and just let whatever the situation (I may be going through).. just be. I am only writing this because these are just my thoughts. I’m not telling people what to do. I’m just expressing my opinion.

I can only be me

Image      Sitting here reading about three books at the same time. I have always thought that reading bores me, but that’s not the case, you know?  Nah… this  is about, which kinds of books that interests me. In general when you in school, you get to read all these books that are not interesting enough to grab your attention, it’s hard to be in a class where the readings fits your interest and it makes you want to keep on reading until you end up reading the last page. You feel me?

Is this the way to find my inner passion, my inner peace? To stray away from depending ‘too much’ or being ‘too needy’ towards my friends? To stray away from repeating mistakes of my past?

I guess the way I see it, this is just an example of when I need to cool off and have time for myself. Without depending so much on the internet or the television. A part of me misses the old school days when social life used to be about reaching out to hang out with friends and going out of your way to go places and another part of me enjoys socializing on the internet (facebook) or getting things done on the internet (library, emails etc)  just because it is quicker.   You know?

You’re probably wondering, “why three books?” Sometimes I just cannot sit and read one book for too long. It frustrates me. I feel that I get too restless and I always find ways to get distracted. These books are not boring though, two of them are related to my courses for school and the other is just one of those self-help books.  The two books I’m reading for school, are really interesting and they are very difficult to understand but at the same time it’s exciting, because I’m reading articles from scholars such as Michel Foucault and bell hooks, just to name a few. I’m familiar with these scholars’ work. It’s great to run into their names again, it’s been a while since I read articles from those two. I’m also reading a novel as well, which is called, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time” by Mark Haddon. This book is really cool as well. This is a great way for me to really focus on what I need to get done and complete it and focus in graduating at my university. I thought that I want to get involved in my courses this year and engage to the readings so that not only, I just ‘pass’ the course but also enjoy it and get the grade I really think I should deserve.

The self-help book, I am reading is called, “Living With Joy” by Sanaya Roman. It’s funny how I got the book though. I was actually waiting to go to the movies one night and I got to the movie theater a bit earlier before the movie started. I was bored out of my mind and I was starting to get depressed and had thoughts which triggered me to lose it that night. I went to Chapters bookstore that was across the movie theater to cool off and sit and check out magazines and books. While being emotional as I was at Chapters, my inner-voice was telling me something which lead me to go to the self-help books section. I did. I picked  a couple of books and “Living With Joy” was one of them. I didn’t skim through the books, that I picked. I read the back of the books and trusted that I won’t waste money on something that I’m not going to read on. I bought it and since that day, I’m just so glad that I made that decision.  Every night when I feel like I want to read or need to read, I pop in this book and read it.  This book is literally saved me. It saved me by changing the way I think, the way I talk, the way I behave.  I was against buying these self-help books because I felt that the pressure in ‘needing’ to get better, ‘needing’ to be happy, ‘too soon’ it was just overwhelming. But at the same time, I felt tired of feeling like this. I needed some hope, that I can do this and that I can take things as long as I can to do whatever it takes for myself to get better, to be happy, and to be free from depression and free from unwanted pains. I have been through counseling and I have learned and made many process to get to where I am now. When I picked those books, it was a calling. I don’t know how I managed to be courageous to stay positive at that emotional time, but I believe that God just didn’t want me to give up too soon. God was with me that night. So every time I want to just have my own time, I make sure I continue reading the self-help books as I go through my other readings for my classes. I figured that if THIS is how I’m going to get better than so be it. I cannot afford to repeat the past again. I need to move forward and by doing that, sometimes a little push is what I need to be doing.

I can’t be perfect; I can’t please people.  I can just focus on me and focus on the little things around me. Going with the flow without being hard on myself.  I’m going to take my time, no rush. Doing it my way, my flow. I can only be me.

Assumption Kills

What we say, what we do, what we write…. pretty much everything we do and no matter what we do. People are going to make assumptions. I would like to address that sometimes assumptions can be a bit extreme. Is it that hard to asking for the facts rather than judging and looking at someone’s work or themselves? Because when people assume, it just kills the spirit.

Everybody has a story.

For example, just because I might be doing one thing and doing another thing the next, it doesn’t mean I’m being inconstant. Sometimes I do feel things and I want to talk about it, I’ll do that.  Sometimes it’s just the way of dealing with whatever I am going through. Learning from mistakes, doesn’t just mean I have to make a complete stop and never turning back again. It can mean that at some point I have to respect my heart and treat it will without forcing it to feel something that it either growing or getting over or dealing with it.  Some people are quick and some are slow in dealing with whatever it is that they are going through. I do know that one of the things I do that helps me other than my spiritual relationship with God,  is to read the self-hep books, taking a walk outside and write or relax, or sometimes taking a nap or working out helps. Sometimes just hanging out with friends can help too.   I know that staying busy can help as well.

I write on facebook, I tweet, I write… they’re my words,  I am aware of what I’m writing. Yes, I’m aware that everything I say or write affects the people around me.  I am also aware that everything I do or say affects me as a person too. I’m choosing to post these online. I’m choosing to use words. I’m choosing to understand that in order to have a great long happy life.

I am fully aware  that I must change the way I think, talk, behave, act, around people and help myself grow and become a better person. I don’t write for attention, I write because I can no longer hold it all in. I want to release it.

One of the greatest lessons I learned over this summer and throughout my counseling sessions is to continue to stay true to myself, continue to believe and think positivity without putting down others, without being bitter, and lastly, to stay busy: being able to find ways to find my passion without depending on people, or being needy.  Part of growing up is letting go, but it is also about myself letting go of the nasty old habits of mines.  You can let go all the things that could set you free, but if you have a bad habits that will always pull you down,  you will never let go fully;  All of that needs to change as well. You feel me?

I have a goal now, my goal is to take care of myself and complete all the things I’ve wanted to do in my life and achieve my dreams and have fun ( a really good time) the rest will come. I’m leaving that up to God.