I can only be me

Image      Sitting here reading about three books at the same time. I have always thought that reading bores me, but that’s not the case, you know?  Nah… this  is about, which kinds of books that interests me. In general when you in school, you get to read all these books that are not interesting enough to grab your attention, it’s hard to be in a class where the readings fits your interest and it makes you want to keep on reading until you end up reading the last page. You feel me?

Is this the way to find my inner passion, my inner peace? To stray away from depending ‘too much’ or being ‘too needy’ towards my friends? To stray away from repeating mistakes of my past?

I guess the way I see it, this is just an example of when I need to cool off and have time for myself. Without depending so much on the internet or the television. A part of me misses the old school days when social life used to be about reaching out to hang out with friends and going out of your way to go places and another part of me enjoys socializing on the internet (facebook) or getting things done on the internet (library, emails etc)  just because it is quicker.   You know?

You’re probably wondering, “why three books?” Sometimes I just cannot sit and read one book for too long. It frustrates me. I feel that I get too restless and I always find ways to get distracted. These books are not boring though, two of them are related to my courses for school and the other is just one of those self-help books.  The two books I’m reading for school, are really interesting and they are very difficult to understand but at the same time it’s exciting, because I’m reading articles from scholars such as Michel Foucault and bell hooks, just to name a few. I’m familiar with these scholars’ work. It’s great to run into their names again, it’s been a while since I read articles from those two. I’m also reading a novel as well, which is called, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time” by Mark Haddon. This book is really cool as well. This is a great way for me to really focus on what I need to get done and complete it and focus in graduating at my university. I thought that I want to get involved in my courses this year and engage to the readings so that not only, I just ‘pass’ the course but also enjoy it and get the grade I really think I should deserve.

The self-help book, I am reading is called, “Living With Joy” by Sanaya Roman. It’s funny how I got the book though. I was actually waiting to go to the movies one night and I got to the movie theater a bit earlier before the movie started. I was bored out of my mind and I was starting to get depressed and had thoughts which triggered me to lose it that night. I went to Chapters bookstore that was across the movie theater to cool off and sit and check out magazines and books. While being emotional as I was at Chapters, my inner-voice was telling me something which lead me to go to the self-help books section. I did. I picked  a couple of books and “Living With Joy” was one of them. I didn’t skim through the books, that I picked. I read the back of the books and trusted that I won’t waste money on something that I’m not going to read on. I bought it and since that day, I’m just so glad that I made that decision.  Every night when I feel like I want to read or need to read, I pop in this book and read it.  This book is literally saved me. It saved me by changing the way I think, the way I talk, the way I behave.  I was against buying these self-help books because I felt that the pressure in ‘needing’ to get better, ‘needing’ to be happy, ‘too soon’ it was just overwhelming. But at the same time, I felt tired of feeling like this. I needed some hope, that I can do this and that I can take things as long as I can to do whatever it takes for myself to get better, to be happy, and to be free from depression and free from unwanted pains. I have been through counseling and I have learned and made many process to get to where I am now. When I picked those books, it was a calling. I don’t know how I managed to be courageous to stay positive at that emotional time, but I believe that God just didn’t want me to give up too soon. God was with me that night. So every time I want to just have my own time, I make sure I continue reading the self-help books as I go through my other readings for my classes. I figured that if THIS is how I’m going to get better than so be it. I cannot afford to repeat the past again. I need to move forward and by doing that, sometimes a little push is what I need to be doing.

I can’t be perfect; I can’t please people.  I can just focus on me and focus on the little things around me. Going with the flow without being hard on myself.  I’m going to take my time, no rush. Doing it my way, my flow. I can only be me.

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